"Without forgetting there can be no forgiving," says retired Israeli Supreme Court Justice Moshe Bejski (p. 116); the Dalai Lama, on the other hand, believes that one must forgive but not necessarily forget. Do you think it is possible to forgive and not forget? How would you differentiate forgiveness and reconciliation?
posted by Tanya Judd Pucella at
3:44 PM
34 Comments:
It is definately possible to fogive and not forget. When you forgive someone you no longer blame them for whatever it is that they did. Forgetting the trespass would not be smart because if it were to happen again you would not remember and you would forgive it again. If someone does something wrong often enough, they do not deserve to be forgiven because they are not truly sorry. If someone is truly sorry, they should be forgiven, but the fault should not be forgotten so that you are not taken advantage of.
Forgiveness is the act of removing someone from the blame of their actions. It is something that one person does for another. Reconciliation is what one person can do for themselves that will remove their guilt. Reconcilitaion requires steps and processes for it to actually work. Forgiveness is an act of kindness that can be granted to someone; it does not have to be worked for like reconciliation.
-Danielle Simmons
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Anonymous, at 9:38 PM
I think it is definitely possible to forgive but not forget. I think this is in fact the right course of action to take when you are undecided on the matter of forgiveness. I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness, no matter what crimes they have committed, because in my religion, sin is all the same in God's eyes, but he continues to forgive us everyday if we ask for it. But forgetting what someone has done wrong against you is not smart because it could lead to that same situation occuring again.
Reconciliation however does not always have to happen because once you have forgiven someone, you have cleared your conscience of the wrong they did to you, but you have not forgotten how that person made you feel. So sometimes it is better to continue both of your lives without reconciling because it will be better for everyone.
-Emma Robbison
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Anonymous, at 3:02 PM
I agree with Danielle's statement when she talks about reconciliation being something you must work towards, when forgiveness can be done easily. I agree with this because you can forgive a person if you decide to and feel that they deserve it (which everyone does if they are truly sorry and repentent) but to reconcile with yourself or that person would take alot more time and effort on both parts.
-Emma Robbinson
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Anonymous, at 3:05 PM
I believe that though it may be more difficult to forgive and not forget, it is possible. Wiesenthal states that “forgetting is something that time alone takes care of, but forgiveness is an act of volition, and only the sufferer is qualified to make the decision.”
Forgiveness is a voluntary act by which one gives up a claim of resentment. Reconciliation is taking forgiveness one step further and giving up the claim of resentment and renewing a relationship with the person.
- Caroline Maddox
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Anonymous, at 5:57 PM
I think it is possible to forgive and not forget because when one forgives he is coming to peace with a wrong someone has done to him. While the person no longer feels anger, shame or any hurtful feelings as a result of the wrongful action, the person should still remember this act. We are who we are because the events in our lives have shaped us that way, therefore forgetting would be like losing part of something that makes us... us.
- Natalia Cuenca
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Anonymous, at 6:27 PM
I believe that it is possible and not forget. To forgive is to excuse a person for an actionthat they have done. I can forgive someone for something they have done, but I may still remember it. I was taught that I should forgive people and to lay aside the memory, not necessarily forget it. I should put that action behind me and not dwell on it too much. By remembering past actions, one can be better prepared for the future which is a lot like the past.
Forgiveness is harder to receive in my opinion. It takes a person to forgive you and they usually hold onto grudges. They are not able to put aside what happened and live off of that one mistake. Reconciliation can be received from God and if you are true in your asking, you can receive reconciliation. Reconciliation also deals with a person's punishment for what they did and the sin or transgression is gone from history and is like forgive and forget.
Arthur J
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Anonymous, at 6:52 PM
I agree with Emma. Sin is sin and there's no other way to view it. Humans are always doing wrong and if they ask for forgiveness, depending on what they did, they should receive it. Reconciling should only happen between God and the person to me though because man shouldn't take matters into his own hands because bad things tend to follow.
I also agree that we should not forget. If we forget what happens, we are ignoring the past. If we forget, it will probably haunt us again in the future and we could have prevented it.
Arthur J
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Anonymous, at 7:10 PM
Forgive and not forget? What kind of forget? There are two kinds, one is possible, while the other shouldn't be. It is perfectly okay to forgive, especially those you love. It is even pefectly fine to show that you have forgotten the matter, and have put it behind you; yet, that does not mean actually disregarding it. It should always remain in your memory, for if the person repeats the same act, asking once again for forgiveness, the memory can be recalled to have more effectiveness on the person. This reminds the person that you have already forgiven them once, yet you still remember what they have done, and may not forgive a third or even second time. Incidents should never be forgotten, because they are what we learn from. Without memory of previous incidents and mistakes, we would not learn from them and they would be pointless. It is pointless to forgive someone if you forget about it within yourself. Forgiveness is much different than reconciliation in the sense that forgiveness can be done as an act of sympathy or can be performed reluctantly out of a belief or religion. Reconciliation is more rejoiceful; really it is more the sense where you "forget" what happened and put it behind you. "Let's forget about it" or "Let's put this matter behind us" is more a form of reconciliation; whereas "I'll forgive you this time" or "don't let it happen again" are further from reconciliation and colder, or more reluctant, forms of forgiveness.
-Damien Denis
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Anonymous, at 7:12 PM
I agree with Arthur that people should forgive, yet not necessarily forget the incident. This way, you can learn from the incident, and later be better prepared if the incident repeats itself. I also agree that people often hold grudges towards forgiveness they have given, yet this is if it were given reluctantly. Reconciliation should not result in grudges as it is a warmer, more forgetting forgiveness.
-Damien Denis
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Anonymous, at 7:16 PM
I think that is is not only possible to forgive and not forget, it is the best solution to a problem. I agree with the Dalai Lama because everyone, no matterwhat they have done deserves to be forgiven. In my opinion, all offensenses are equal, as the bible refers to them as a line in the sand, no one offense is greater than any other. Forgetting in some cases can be good and in some cases can be bad. While everything should be forgiven, some things might be better off being remembered. An example of something that should be forgiven but not forgotten is cheating. While forgiving it is a good thing, you might be able to remove the offender from being tempted again by seperating him/her from the class while taking tests. I believe that reconciliation is a good goal to reach for. If everyone reconciled after a fight or a dispute, the world would be a better place. As Ghandi said some thing alon teh lines of: an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. If all wrongs are reconciled, there will be far less hate.
-George Montgomery
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Anonymous, at 7:38 PM
I agree with Caroline, reconciliation is not only an option, it is the next step after forgiveness. What good is forgiving and forgetting if you do not reconcile the problem. If two people are able get along after a dispute, it iss a truly great thing. I believe that as humans, it is the human thing to do to confront problems and figure them out so that we can work through disputes and go on living without hatred.
-George Montgomery
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Anonymous, at 7:42 PM
I do think that someone can forgive and forget, because you either like or love them so much, that you know that they are truly sorry and that they will no hurt you again in that manner. However, forgiving someone for something that they did, would mean them gaining back your trust. Some people forgive, but dont give back all of their trust, because they are doubting themselves. However, if you are the one that is forgiving, you do not want it to come back and bite you in the butt in the end. When you forgive someone, depending on the severity of the infraction committed. Reconciliation is different from forgiving, because is trying to re-enstablish or restore what was lost. For example, reconciling [if thats a word] would be forgiving the person completely, and forgetting about it completely. Forgiving and forgeting, is forgiving the person to a certain level, but still knowing what they did.
-Aly Enslen
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Anonymous, at 7:44 PM
Yes, i believe it is certainly possible to forgive and not forget. In the statemnt, i agree with the Dalai Lama, i dont think you should ever forget impacts that happened to you. The things that occur around you mold you into the person you are today, and to forget about an event that happened, especially a wrong doing that had affected you, is just a set up to deny your being and the way you are now. I think it is already a huge step to forgive someone, it takes courtesy and empathy, but you should still keep in mind the actions they did for future precautions, in order to not get hurt or affected the same way.
When you forgive, you are willing to give the person another chance. You're willing to let go of their doings and hope they learn and benefit, and better themselves from it. To reconcile, you're abling yourself to compromise with yourself and settle or resolve the situation to remove the guilt. It's also a way to reestablish relationships, but you have to make an effort at it.
-thao ho
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Anonymous, at 7:44 PM
It is possible and furthermore a better course to forgive but not forget. Forgiveness can always be earned, in my opinion, and can be earned by truely repenting the wrongs done, but this is not the same for forgetting. Forgiveness as in the bible and most cultures is deserved as we are all human, but forgetting what was done is not the same, the wrong WAS done and as a result should be remembered, so that at least, it should not happen again and possibly serve as a counterexample of how to live. Fogetting would be a wrong to the world and those who were affected, as their suffer should not be forgotten as the wrongs done unto them are forgiven. However not forgetting should not be confused with not forgiving, the wrongdoer should not be hated or treated differently and neither should the victim necessarily, but the deed not the people should be remembered.
-Corey Luttrell
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Anonymous, at 7:49 PM
I agree with thao, as she said that "you should never forget impacts that happened to you", and i think that the only way to "learn and benefit" from experience is to forgive but not forget so that there is always a reminder of what was done so that it does not happen again and others can learn from the deeds of the past.
-Corey Luttrell
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Anonymous, at 7:53 PM
Though most of the responses to this statement was that it is possible to forgive and not forget, i agree with arthur's furthur opinions on it. You definitely can forgive someone for their actions but still remember everything they've done. Even so, it is better to not get caught up and dwell on the past and hold grudges because by doing so, you're stopping yourself from moving on with your life. But by remembering past actions, you better prepare yourself for future references.
-thao ho
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Anonymous, at 7:58 PM
It is possible to forgive and not forget, and is sometimes helpful to do so. To forget as in not hold a grudge is a good thing, but forgetting that something ever happened is not logical. Keeping the knowledge of something that happened in the past would help resolve or completely avoid any similar conflicts in the future, which helps to avoid repeating past mistakes.
Forgiveness is something that is given, not always deserved, to releive a person of their tresspasses. Reconciliation is the steps a person takes to attain peace and abolish misgivings between people. While it is one thing to be given forgiveness, reconciling for past deeds helps strengthen the relationship between people, and takes forgiveness a step further.
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Anonymous, at 8:16 PM
I do not think that it is possible to forgive and forget. If what the person did to you was wrong, then there must have been some pain that it caused to you. If someone hurts you, no matter how much you would like to forgive them, the hurt that they caused you will always be apparent and will linger in the back of your mind for as long as you know them. Forgiveness can be achieved from a wrong-doing, and the relationship can be salvaged to a certain extent. People can live their lives and pretend to like each other to make it seem that way to everyone else, but truly hate one another. If what the person did to you was severe enough, it is almost impossible to ever forget what they did, and completely forgetting what happened is not likely.
-Rachel Wilson
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Anonymous, at 9:01 PM
I disagree with what Caroline said. Completely forgetting the wrong that the person commited against you is highly unlikely, and to me seems next to impossible. We as humans, are flawed beings. Events and wrongs that we experience scar us and change us. If the experience that you went through was painful enough, the memory of it will always stay with you. I do not agree that it is possible to forgive and forget.
-Rachel Wilson
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Anonymous, at 9:06 PM
I think that it is possible to forgive and not forget. An example would be if a friend hurt you by implicating you into a crime that you never were in, you may be able to forgive that person if you had the will to but, it is almost near impossible to not forget about how your friend implicated you into something you can do. I say that it is possible to forgive and forget, but in many cases it is impossible not to forget because certain issues bring you back to what you already forgave someone about. The way that I would differentiate forgiveness and reconciliation is based on their definitions where Forgiveness is the stopping of feeling angry or resentfulness towards someone for an offense or mistake, while Reconciliation is the restoration of friendly relations between two or more parties. I believe that forgivness is the pre-requisite to reconciliation. I say this because I think that you must first stop feeling angry towards the person who commited the wrong to you and then you can restore your friendship with that person. If this two-fold path is not followed in this order there will be a restoration of friendship but with resentment to the friend because you have not forgiven that person.
~ Josias C.
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Anonymous, at 2:37 PM
I agree with the Dalai Lama when he says that one can forgive but not necessarily forget. I think that especially in situations in which forgiveness is very hard to give, someone might eventually forgive but never really forget about what was done against them. I think that it is definitely possible to forgive and not forget and I think that in many situations this is actually the case and the better solution. I would differentiate reconciliation and forgiveness in that forgiveness is the "forgiver" simply saying "Yes, I forgive you, it's okay." Reconciliation, however, would be the act of realizing what you did wrong, showing repentance, and changing your actions to make it right.
-Natalie G.
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Anonymous, at 4:48 PM
I completely agree with Natalia when she says that by forgetting something that we forgave and affected us deeply it would make us lose a part of ourselves. Her statement about how the events in our lives are what makes us...us is very true because without specific events in our lives both good and, in this case, bad everyone would be the same person with the same life experiences.
-Natalie G.
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Anonymous, at 5:09 PM
I agree with the Dalai Lama on this one. I think that yes, one should forgive but they should not forget. Forgetting an expirence allows you to repeat or put yourself into that situation again. If you forget, you arnt able to learn from what happened. Though i do not think somebody should forget, i do think that they shouldnt dwell on the past. Meaning though someone has not forgotten what has been done they should not continue to hold it against that person. That's the whole point of forgivness.
Maddie B.
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Anonymous, at 8:10 PM
I agree with Natalie. In cases like this you may be able to forgive, but you will NEVER be able to forget. But it's ok because once you have forgiven the past no longer troubless you but to forget about it completely is almost like it never happened. That may sound good but it isnt. If you pretend something never happened you run the risk of allowing it to happen again.
By
Anonymous, at 8:12 PM
-Maddie B.
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Anonymous, at 8:13 PM
i think that though it may be very difficult it is possible to forgive and not forget, in my opinion it really all depends on the situation and the people involved. If you were to get in a fight with your best friend it might be hard to forgive them because you know them so well and might not think that they would do something like that, which is also the same reason for why you wouldn't forget it.
Forgivness truly is just giving the person the satisfaction that you understand and are "excussing" the mistake that was made, but reconciliation is reestablishing the once had relationship so that everything is the way it was in the beginning before the crisis occurred.
~Katie L.
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Anonymous, at 8:30 PM
I would definitely have to say that i agree with Natalia and Natalie on this one. Like they said about completely forgetting something that happened to you really would mean losing a part of who you are. If everyone were to make the same decisions in situations then the world would be full of people with the same history. But thankfully everyone does react differently to situations.
~Katie L.
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Anonymous, at 8:47 PM
I feel that it is not only possible, but essential to forgive and not forget. Forgiveness is an act of grace, which (in my faith) is given to us unwaveringly by God and therefore owed to one another in order to move on with our lives and become better people. To forget, however, I feel would be tragic because it is the mistakes that we make and deal with that shape who we are and how we deal with future situations.
Forgiveness is simply the recognition of the human condition and the fact that we all have flaws and make mistakes. By forgiving you relinquish the other person from your judgement and acknowledging their repentance and grant them your understanding. Reconciliation, I think, is more mutual as opposed to the personal decision to forgive. To reconcile both sides must come together and make a sincere effort to heal the tarnished relationship and is a constant work in progress.
-Meghan McMullen
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Anonymous, at 9:58 PM
I absolutely think it is possible to forgive without forgetting. I believe it true that even if one is forgiven it should still not be forgotten depending on the scale of what they did. If someone affects you in a large way then it is hard to forget what they had done anyways. You can still have forgiven them but it does not mean that you have to forget them. Then if they ever repeat it then it is worse than the first time they did it.
The difference between forgiveness and reconciliation is slight. Forgiveness would be to excuse or pardon someone for what they had done as wrong. Reconilitaion is more like what Christians do to have their sins forgiven by God. They reconcile themselves which forgives them of their sins and lets them start anew, not with the remembrance of what they had done.
-Matt Galatowitsch
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Anonymous, at 10:53 PM
It is possible for one to forgive and not forget. When a person finally decides to forgive another, they won't forget it because of the actions of that person. By remembering what happened in the past, that person won't make the same mistake and a negative history won't repeat itself. Forgiveness helps people move on with their lives because there won't be anything lurking in the back of their minds; they will finally be at peace with themselves and those who were forgiven.
Forgiveness is given from one person to another for any of the wrongs or mistakes that were done. On the other hand, reconciliation is basically abolishing that wound between people. By reconciling, both sides come to an agreement to put an end to an unwanted history, starting over and working together to make things work out.
[Rosyl I.]
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Anonymous, at 11:05 PM
I agree with Arthur on his statement that actions shouldn't be completely forgotten, but just put on the side and not to be dwelled upon. Remembering the past ensures less mistakes to be made in the future. Even though I've forgiven a person, there would still be a small grudge I'd be holding against them. It is definitely a diffcult thing to forget any actions, especially that of a friend, that you have forgiven.
-Rosyl I.
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Anonymous, at 11:10 PM
If a person frogives without forgetting, the thing they forgave will always be in the back of their head, always bothering them. Forgiveness is saying that something was ok, or to relieve somebody's conscience. Reconciliation is completely forgetting all of the anger and pain that the person caused you. I do not think it is possible to forgive without forgetting because all the things that person did will always be alive in your memory.
-Camilo Rojas
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Anonymous, at 6:18 AM
I do not believe that it is possible for humans to entirely forgive and forget. Just like a scar, the wound that is dealt when someone commits a crime against another never completely goes away. A store owner would never leave a thief alone right after he got out of jail and it is impossible to believe that it is humanly possible for one to forget entirely. One's actions can reflect forgiveness, but it is impossible to forget the past.
Forgiveness is knowing that you have moved on from a situation. Reconciliation is being reinstated to the position you held before you commited a crime. Having your parents not discipline you after staying out too late is forgiveness. Reconciliation is them trusting you with the same curfew the next weekend. Forgiveness accepts what happened in the past, reconcilation abolishes what happens in the past
-Neil Booher
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Anonymous, at 7:33 PM
I don't think that is is necessary to forget in order to forgive. To forgive out of a loss of memory of what happened isn't really even forgiveness. Forgiveness is taking into consideration what has been done to you and others , and then rising above all of that and making amends with a person. This may seem impossible, but is is necessary to forgive in order to move on with your life. If forgiveness did not exist, then people would walk around holding grudges agains't almost everybody. The ability to forgive people is what allows us to move on in life and stop living in the past. We should not forget what happened to us, because without this knowledge we may allow people to wrong us once again.
Reconciliation is actually accepting what has happened and wiping the slate clean. In order for this to happen, one probably has to forget. I can't see someone from the Holocaust accepting what happened unless they forgot what happened. They may be able to forgive an action, but not accept it.
-Brian C.
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Anonymous, at 7:34 PM
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